Q: My friend always gets hit on even though she doesn’t do anything to ask for that kind of attention but it makes me frustrated with her and insecure about myself. I know she can’t help how others treat her but how do I handle these feelings so I don’t let my personal frustrations out on her?
A: This always feels like a hopeless and frustrating situation to experience.
I wonder if you might consider yourself an Introvert. My experience, when in this situation and when talking to my clients experiencing this, is that “Introvert” tends to be much more of a descriptor than “Extrovert.” This is something you must learn a bit more about, and come to understand to know how to create change. Introverts often come across as shy, scared, or lacking confidence. Maybe those things are all true, or maybe just a little true. If you evaluate your friend, ask yourself a few questions. How approachable is she? Does she exude confidence? Does she seem fearless when meeting someone new? Attractiveness may draw them in, but, with enough confidence and ability to carry on an interesting conversation, you could be the one that keeps them there! If not, they probably aren’t the kind of guy you would want to meet anyway. Build up your confidence by doing a few simple things. Affirmations, such as looking in the mirror daily and reminding yourself that you are a beautiful, smart, and interesting woman any man should want to meet, can create a huge increase in how you view yourself. > Research suggests that confidence is one of the biggest factors in attractiveness! Many times, WE are the reason people see us a certain way. It’s how WE “present” ourselves to the world! Try to do some new things that don’t include hanging out with your friend. I’m not saying to end the friendship...just a bit of separation for you to learn more about YOU. Maybe this would allow you to meet some new people and practice becoming the more confident woman you know you can be! Getting out of her “shadow” for a bit and really finding yourself and your own confidence could allow for a much different experience the next time you go out with her.
Q: I have a close working relationship with my male colleague. We are seen together so often, we have been asked if we are married on several occasions. How do we handle these situations?
A: I imagine this would depend on your individual situations/circumstances.
You could brush it off with some light-hearted humor. Respond to those questions with "absolutely...he is my work-husband!" This isn't actually uncommon at all. People spend so much time with someone at the office that they become especially close. Proceed with caution, if either of you are in romantic relationships with other people. This could lead to big problems! Partners and spouses can get very jealous of those work-spouses. Someone asking this question at the wrong time could cause a bit of discomfort all around. If it is truly platonic, go ahead and talk to your significant other about the interactions. Introduce your work-husband/wife and your actual husband/wife. You might also need to take a closer look at the relationship with this co-worker. If people think you are that close, maybe you are getting a little too close. You don't want to find that this relationship has become more than you intended, especially if you are already in one! If neither of you are in romantic relationships otherwise, just have fun with it!
Q: I recently had a single friend get upset with me because she didn’t understand why I could not go on a trip with her. It has been an annual event until I became a mother. How do you deal with maintaining friendships when you are at different places in your life?
A: Changes in life can be very difficult, especially when talking about marriage and parenthood. Graciously take a step back. She may not understand until/unless she has children. Even then, mommy-hood is different for every woman! > You may feel extreme obligation, while another might want to escape every chance she gets. Having a real discussion with her and laying out some kind of future plans might help. Maybe you “can’t do the trip this year, but hope to resume some version of it next year.” You might offer up some one-on-one friend time for an evening or even for an overnight close to home. Facts are...we all handle life changes differently. Stay connected in as many ways as you can with the people who matter most. Your priorities seem to be in order on this one. I would urge you to be cautious not to get tunnel vision with mommy-hood though. Being a new mommy DOES require a lot of time and energy, but please don’t forget yourself in that equation! You still need to take time for your partner, your friends, and YOU!!!
If you’d like to ask an anonymous question to Dr. Misty, please email it to: info@abouttownsite.com
Writer, Speaker, Radio & Television Contributor, Dr. Misty Smith is the Founder and Managing Director of the Birmingham, Alabama based Mind, Body & Heart Wellness Clinic. She is an ASSECT Nationally recognized Certified Sex Therapist (CST), as well as a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) of more than 15 years, who focuses on assisting individuals and couples to achieve their optimal emotional, relational, and sexual health through a results-oriented counseling process tailored to the needs of the individual or couple. In addition to being ASSECT Certified, Dr. Misty has a PhD in Counselor Education from Mississippi State University and her EdS in Counseling from the University of Alabama. She can be reached by email at mistysmithphd@mbhwellnessclinic.com or mbhwellnessclinic.com.
The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, or legal advice. If you have specific concerns or situations requiring professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately qualified individual. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat, diagnose, or replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from another licensed professional. This column, its author, and the publisher are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation addressed. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions.
