December 13, 2018 Is My Husband Using Dating Apps for Hookups?

Q: My husband has gotten emails from dating sites, and he claims they’re spam. I’m concerned that when he travels for work, and I don’t hear from him, he’s using these dating sites for hookups. Is this common, and most importantly, how can I find out?

A: Getting dating site emails does not mean he has logged into them, but it also doesn’t mean he hasn’t. Many sites have disclosures we sign without thinking which allow them to sell and/or share information with other sites and/or companies. A bigger concern might be that you are thinking about this possibility in the first place. What has given you the impression that you should distrust him? These issues with lack of trust usually stem because something has happened in this or another relationship in the past or because of someone’s own insecurities and self-esteem issues. If it is directly related to something in THIS marriage, you might consider seeing a marriage counselor just to work on healing within the relationship between the two of you. If this has to do with a past relationship or you, you could always see a counselor to address insecurities or past hurts/traumas. Keep in mind, there are many “spyware” items to get information off of phones and computers. There are also a number of private investigators within this area. Just be prepared! You may find information you aren't ready to handle.!

Q: I know a guy who’s married, and has kids, but is clearly gay. It’s a free country and I don’t care. But he hits on me in an uncomfortable way. I now look to avoid places where I think I may run into him. It’s frustrating because he’s closeted and no one knows he’s gay, so I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about it.

A: I would be interested to know the reason you feel you are clear on HIS sexuality. Is he just being overly friendly, or is he making overt moves on you? If his “hitting on you” is uncomfortable, this is no different than if he were a woman making you uncomfortable. Avoidance is typically not the answer to a problem. Do life the way you typically would. The next time you encounter him and he tries hitting on you, pull him aside. Point out what is creating uncomfortable feelings within you. Let him explain his actions. Explain to him that you would appreciate him backing off of you. Let him know his interest isn’t reciprocated. If the behavior continues, maybe tell him your conscience will require you to disclose this behavior to his wife, if he cannot respect your requests.

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Writer, Speaker, Radio & Television Contributor, Dr. Misty Smith is the Founder and Managing Director of the Birmingham, Alabama based Mind, Body & Heart Wellness Clinic. She is an ASSECT Nationally recognized Certified Sex Therapist (CST), as well as a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) of more than 15 years, who focuses on assisting individuals and couples to achieve their optimal emotional, relational, and sexual health through a results-oriented counseling process tailored to the needs of the individual or couple. In addition to being ASSECT Certified, Dr. Misty has a PhD in Counselor Education from Mississippi State University and her EdS in Counseling from the University of Alabama. She can be reached by email at or