Q: I have a friend who is in the worst relationship with her boyfriend. They have horrible fights. He’s a jerk, and she swears they’re breaking up after every fight. Of course they don’t, and then act all lovey-dovey the next day. It’s a constant hot-cold cycle. None of our friends like him, but we’re reluctant to tell her how we feel because we know she won’t break up with him, and we’ll be the ‘bad guys’ for having said something bad about him when they’re in their lovey-dovey stage. What should we do?
A: I am not sure this is a battle you want to fight.**If you have never said anything, you might want to gently tell her over a one-on-one “girls night out” dinner. Just let her know you have concerns, and other of her friends have mentioned they share those same concerns. She probably won’t break up with him, so be prepared! She may get angry or defensive. Be sure to practice those effective communication skills such as using “I” statements, and really knowing how to listen. That’s it! That’s ALL you can do! She’s a grown-up, and grown-ups get to make their own decisions...just like you! You don’t have to spend time with them, if you don’t like him. You don’t have to listen to her break-up angst either, if you don’t want to! If she knows how everyone feels, and everyone stops spending time with them and listening to her relationship woes, she might begin to notice these negatives for herself. She might also decide to find a new group of friends. I just think people should be prepared for possible outcomes.
Q: My fiancé is addicted to Fantasy football. Last year, he held weekly Fantasy football meetings with his pals at our place. He was constantly on his phone trading players or strategizing at inappropriate times. After six months of constant football talk in my apartment, I almost ended our relationship. I felt completely abandoned. How can I tell him this game is putting a strain on our relationship without sounding annoyed with something he loves to do?
A: Well, fantasy football, or any other type of fantasy sport, can be extremely fun!** It can be engaging, exciting, as well as time-consuming, which can be the unfortunate side-effect of any hobby. You should not allow these things to overtake your life to the detriment of your significant other. No, a hobby should supplant or marginalize your partner. With that said, it is good to have a hobby and not be overly involved in your partner’s space. I think you have quite a number of choices in this. First, you can break up with him and move on, if you think this a behavior and pattern you can’t deal with in the long term. After all, this IS what dating is for! Remember...you shouldn’t expect that you can change people once you are married. > Your next option is to do nothing, and just deal with it, which may leave you with significant resentment. Not a good way to continue in a relationship. Maybe you could get involved, or even decide to participate! What if you even chose to join the league!!! This falls under, if you can’t beat them, join them! Could you imagine the look on his face if you won the league!!! You could find your own hobby! This could enrich your life, as well as help fill your time when he’s playing his fantasy football! Individual time in any relationship is healthy, and, in many situations, necessary. If this is the option you choose, it might be a good idea to request that fantasy football be limited to those weekly meetings and when you aren’t together. Quality time isn’t usually spent completely NOT focused on your partner!
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Writer, Speaker, Radio & Television Contributor, Dr. Misty Smith is the Founder and Managing Director of the Birmingham, Alabama based Mind, Body & Heart Wellness Clinic. She is an ASSECT Nationally recognized Certified Sex Therapist (CST), as well as a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) of more than 15 years, who focuses on assisting individuals and couples to achieve their optimal emotional, relational, and sexual health through a results-oriented counseling process tailored to the needs of the individual or couple. In addition to being ASSECT Certified, Dr. Misty has a PhD in Counselor Education from Mississippi State University and her EdS in Counseling from the University of Alabama. She can be reached by email at mistysmithphd@mbhwellnessclinic.com or mbhwellnessclinic.com.
The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, or legal advice. If you have specific concerns or situations requiring professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately qualified individual. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat, diagnose, or replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from another licensed professional. This column, its author, and the publisher are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation addressed. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions.