My Husband’s Sex Drive and Mine Are Not on the Same Page...
Q: My husband’s sex drive and my sex are not in alignment. I would really like to have sex 3-4 times a week. He is about once a week or sometimes even once every two weeks. Now he does have a lot of work-related stress and I’m not concerned about him cheating. What advice would you recommend for us to get a little bit more on the same page?
A: Desire discrepancy is a very common problem among couples, married or not. I would initially recommend the two of you having a conversation regarding the discrepancy and how often you would like to have sex. This is a conversation I highly recommend couples have prior to a marriage contract, but seems to be the conversation they shy away from at that time. If this conversation elicits an argument, which it often does, I would recommend you talk with a professional who can either be a mediator or an “interpreter.” This might assist you in communicating without getting caught up in a fight. The next step I would recommend is to consider your age, current “place” in life, and whether or not you have children. These factors can, and almost always do, affect the amount of sex you are having at any given point. Evaluate whether the desire discrepancy was affected by any of these factors. Again, this really all starts with the conversation letting your partner know you feel like something is missing in your sexual relationship. Maybe the sexual piece declined because something was missing in your overall connection. Depending on his age, I would most definitely recommend he see a urologist for testosterone levels to be checked. Typically men do not start having a decrease in testosterone until around age 40, but this is not always the case! If he is experiencing any other symptoms of low testosterone such as fatigue, muscle loss, sleep problems, depression, anxiety, etc., then he should definitely get into that urologist as soon as possible! When testosterone has been ruled out as a contributor and the conversation has been had, it is important for the two of you to discuss expectations.
It is also important for the two of you to be intentional about that sexual time you spend together, as well as the other “intimate” time you have. It’s not really spontaneous and not always fun to schedule sex, but sometimes it is VERY important to put it on the calendar to, at the very least, ensure that you are getting back into a rhythm that keeps both of you satisfied and connected! Keep in mind that this might also mean scheduling romance, date nights, and intimate conversation time. Those things can be just as important to getting back on track sexually.
Q: My friend has had serious drug problems in the past and his friends and I don’t know how to handle it. We’ve talked to his parents and we all thought it was going pretty well, but now things seem to be going back to the way they were. His friends and I haven’t talked to him in a few weeks because we’re fed up with his old bad habits, and feeling like we’re responsible for his well-being. Should we keep our distance like we have been the past few weeks, or do you think we owe it to our childhood friend to get more involved even though that clearly didn’t work the last time?
A: Addicts decide to get help when THEY decide to get help, or when they hit “rock bottom!” You can push and shove and intervene, but the chances of relapse are extremely high if that person is not doing it of their own accord.
I don’t think you should step away completely. People need support, and people need people! Don’t be an enabler! Be aware of “rescuing” behaviors on your part such as giving them money, buying necessities for them, providing them a place to live or sleep, being their transportation, etc. Set HEALTHY boundaries, and learn how to say NO! This only makes the situation worse. Parents and spouses can be the biggest enablers, while thinking that they are helping. Offer support, and possibly even offer that support with incentives or restrictions if help is sought or not sought. The chances are high that your support will fall on deaf ears again. However, addicts left with zero support have a tendency to have fates worse than those with strong support systems. Let them know that you are available as soon as they are ready to seek help. Then be available when they do. If you just really need to do something...take his parents to a support group for friends and family of addicts (AL-ANON, NAR-ANON). Get some information for treatment centers together for the day your friend decides they are ready for help. Be patient. Live your life!
If you’d like to ask an anonymous question to Dr. Misty, please email it to: info@abouttown.io
Writer, Speaker, Radio & Television Contributor, Dr. Misty Smith is the Founder and Managing Director of the Birmingham, Alabama based Mind, Body & Heart Wellness Clinic. She is an ASSECT Nationally recognized Certified Sex Therapist (CST), as well as a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) of more than 15 years, who focuses on assisting individuals and couples to achieve their optimal emotional, relational, and sexual health through a results-oriented counseling process tailored to the needs of the individual or couple. In addition to being ASSECT Certified, Dr. Misty has a PhD in Counselor Education from Mississippi State University and her EdS in Counseling from the University of Alabama. She can be reached by email at mistysmithphd@mbhwellnessclinic.com or mbhwellnessclinic.com.
The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, or legal advice. If you have specific concerns or situations requiring professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately qualified individual. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat, diagnose, or replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from another licensed professional. This column, its author, and the publisher are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation addressed. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions.
