**Q: My need for intimacy is directly correlated to my weight. When I feel good about my body, I’m into it. When I gain a few pounds, I’m not. It certainly doesn’t help that my husband is losing weight! HELP!**> **A: Let me begin by validating those icky feelings, as decreased sexual interest due to negative body image is a very common issue for women!** This is such a common occurrence, I cannot even count the number of women I have seen in my office who express these same exact feelings. Tons of research has been done on the effects a negative body image can have not only on a woman’s desire, but also on her arousal and orgasm. YES! I said that word! We have them...or do we? If you aren’t experiencing the “big O” and maybe never have, it could actually be related to those nasty, negative feelings you have about your body. How much pleasure and enjoyment are we costing ourselves by not loving...ADORING...what we see when we look in the mirror?! > EVERYTHING! A negative body image has the power to steal ALL of the joy away from our sexual experiences! The flirting, the kissing, the foreplay, the act of sex, and even the orgasm. > A negative body image puts you at risk for rarely (possibly never) experiencing the enhanced pleasure found in fully loving everything about your body...even your flaws...and being comfortable in your own skin. This lack of pleasure sets you up for disappointment and disconnection. These feelings of emptiness and sadness increase one’s likelihood of reaching for substances or risky sexual behaviors to fill the void.> Don’t give up, though!!! Improving a woman’s body image IS possible! > So how can you get more comfortable in your body? How can you feel sexier in your own skin? Improving body image doesn’t merely need to be weak and frivolous attempts at increasing self-esteem. Affirmations about your body and your beauty are definitely wonderful, and I strongly encourage everyone to use them regularly. However, it is more important to focus on empowering yourself as a woman! We “Sex Therapist types” might even consider this empowerment necessary to fully experience your body! Empowerment decreases the need to compensate for the void inside. > Determine your idea of beauty! Determine your style! What do you feel good in? What hairstyle works for YOU?! Stop worrying about what others think. Maybe you could start by making your body strong. When you can defend yourself, lift heavy items, run a marathon, or go hiking for miles, you might find yourself amazed at the increase in confidence exuding from your body! Choose “exercises” you enjoy and view as adventure and excitement. These leave you feeling even more positive about your body...EMPOWERED! Change the attitude you have about a few things. Exercise because it’s good for your well-being instead of feeling you “have to” because it is the only way to have a “perfect” body. STOP THINKING THERE IS A “PERFECT” BODY!!!! Don’t give someone else the power to determine perfection. Develop a more mindful and intentional relationship with food. Eat to live instead of living to eat. Decrease portion sizes. Think about the food you are putting into your body and how it will effect you in ways other than weight. How will it effect your energy, inflammation, digestion, cognitive abilities, sleep, etc? > Indulge your senses a little by trying a new style of living and enjoy your curves (or lack of them). This world is beautiful because of our differences!
**Q: My sister and I are very competitive. Recently, she's taken up running and working out. She looks great, feels even better, and guys are starting to notice! I want to be happy for her, but it's so hard! What can I do to be a better sport and cope with my jealousy?**> **A: A little competition is GREAT!** A little jealousy can ruin your happiness AND, even worse, your relationship with your sister. Everyone is different...even sisters! I have one, and we are very different in many ways. Appreciating those differences is imperative to squashing that jealousy! What works for one person doesn't always work for the next. If you are feeling uncomfortable with the way YOU look, think about how you want to change it. Do you even need to change it? Maybe running and working out aren't your interests. What ARE your interests that might help you feel more confident and empowered for being YOU? Confidence is quite likely the quality these guys are noticing about your sister. When we love ourselves, we stand taller. We believe we are WORTH IT! Sometimes it's about our outward appearance, while other times it is about our inner struggles. What makes YOU beautiful? > Counseling is a wonderful way to explore these types of feelings. Having someone challenge you on the pathology of your thoughts can be tough, but it can change your life...for the better!

**If you have an anonymous question you'd like to ask Dr. Misty, please email it to info@abouttown.io**.

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Writer, Speaker, Radio & Television Contributor, Dr. Misty Smith is the Founder and Managing Director of the Birmingham, Alabama based Mind, Body & Heart Wellness Clinic. She is an ASSECT Nationally recognized Certified Sex Therapist (CST), as well as a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) of more than 15 years, who focuses on assisting individuals and couples to achieve their optimal emotional, relational, and sexual health through a results-oriented counseling process tailored to the needs of the individual or couple. In addition to being ASSECT Certified, Dr. Misty has a PhD in Counselor Education from Mississippi State University and her EdS in Counseling from the University of Alabama. She can be reached by email at mistysmithphd@mbhwellnessclinic.com or mbhwellnessclinic.com.

## The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, or legal advice. If you have specific concerns or situations requiring professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately qualified individual. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat, diagnose, or replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from another licensed professional. This column, its author, and the publisher are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation addressed. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions.