**Q: Is it wrong to give an ultimatum to my boyfriend? Part of me thinks it’s wrong, but part of me feels after 3 years it’s time to expect a wedding proposal. He tells me he loves me. He says we’ll get married. But we need to either get married or break-up in 2018.**> **A: It’s always interesting to me this “ultimatum” concept.** An ultimatum is by definition “a demand which, if not met, will end a relationship or otherwise result in some serious consequence.” When speaking of dating, aren’t we trying to determine what we want, don’t want, and deal-breakers? Why shouldn’t you be able to give an ultimatum? It should merely be relayed in a gentle...maybe firm...manner. An ultimatum is simply you sharing a fact...one you might have already shared on multiple occasions without seeing changes or results. Example: “I am going to have to move on from this relationship, if we aren’t planning to get married before the end of 2018. I have spent 3 years of my life with you, and I feel ready to be married to you. I do not want to be in a dating relationship for an indefinite amount of time. I feel we should move on to the next phase, if you do not feel the same about me.” It’s a statement of fact. Ultimatum...sure. I suppose it is that as well. However, the alternative is to stay in a relationship and not have your needs met or your wishes honored. If you aren’t willing to sacrifice, sometimes an “ultimatum” becomes necessary. Ultimatums should probably not be given too soon, unless they are one of your big deal breakers! I would then try to determine, if having to give an ultimatum too soon, whether or not this is the right person. > On the other hand, your boyfriend has the right to take as much time as time as he needs to be emotionally and financially ready to make a life decision as important as a marriage proposal. Have you asked what is holding him back? Is there some underlying reason he is hesitant to move forward? > Many couples take part in premarital counseling. Maybe the two of you should consider “pre-engagement” counseling. It could be helpful to have a third party ask those intense questions to determine why this relationship seems stagnant. > It is important not to push someone into a decision for which they aren’t prepared. I see a lot of couples take that next step, and find themselves in counseling or the middle of a divorce 5, 10, or 15 years down the road. If this is a person you have dated since high school or college, assess whether it is time to take the next step because the two of you are growing in the same direction or because society says “once you date for 3 years you are supposed to get engaged and get married.” Something to also consider is whether your push forward has anything to do with what your peers are saying and doing. What is right for one person might not be right for you, and that same thing applies to relationships.
**Q: How can I tell if my younger brother has a drinking problem? He’s going though a lot of stress and never has a bad attitude when drinking, and doesn’t ever seem ‘drunk’. No problems at work. But he will have at least a giant (big gulp sized) rum and coke everyday after work. (And that’s just what I know about). How much is too much?**> **I think it is wonderful you are concerned with your brother’s drinking.** However, alcoholics and addicts decide when they want to get sober or clean. No one else can decide for them! You can be supportive. You can be sure you are not enabling your brother by encouraging events where alcohol is a large part. You can remove the alcohol from the time spent with your brother and maybe even request this from other family members. You can also mention your concerns to him in a loving manner. > Beyond that, being there and being supportive is your best option. Sometimes interventions with other family members work, while other times those interventions cause irreparable damage to the relationships. Be cautious about how you approach the situation. You are an older sibling. It doesn’t need to come across to him as though you are trying to parent him. Only you know those family dynamics though. >

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> Now let’s address the amount so you can be clear on what actually represents a possible problem. It’s often times difficult to know when someone has a drinking problem because alcoholics are very good at hiding things until it is really late in the game. Most guidelines follow certain limits. “Healthy adults drinking more than these single-day or weekly limits are considered “at-risk” or “heavy” drinking- Men: more than 4 drinks on any day or 14 per week; Women: more than 3 drinks on any day or 7 per week.” Also, it’s important to remember how much alcohol equals a “drink.” The following chart is helpful in understanding “how much is too much.”

**If you’d like to ask an anonymous question to Dr. Misty, please email it to: info@abouttown.io**.

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Writer, Speaker, Radio & Television Contributor, Dr. Misty Smith is the Founder and Managing Director of the Birmingham, Alabama based Mind, Body & Heart Wellness Clinic. She is an ASSECT Nationally recognized Certified Sex Therapist (CST), as well as a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) of more than 15 years, who focuses on assisting individuals and couples to achieve their optimal emotional, relational, and sexual health through a results-oriented counseling process tailored to the needs of the individual or couple. In addition to being ASSECT Certified, Dr. Misty has a PhD in Counselor Education from Mississippi State University and her EdS in Counseling from the University of Alabama. She can be reached by email at mistysmithphd@mbhwellnessclinic.com or mbhwellnessclinic.com.

## The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, or legal advice. If you have specific concerns or situations requiring professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately qualified individual. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat, diagnose, or replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from another licensed professional. This column, its author, and the publisher are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation addressed. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions.