-I’ve been dating a great guy for almost a year. I’m over 30 and want to marry him. Although he tells me he loves me, he never discusses marriage. I’ve tried to bring it up, but don’t have the nerve to be too pushy. How do I figure out if he’ll ever ask me or if I should just move on?

Honesty and expression of needs is, or should be, the foundation of a lasting relationship. It may be difficult, but it sounds like it might be time to sit down and address the direction of your relationship. Maybe he has his own fears of progressing the relationship, or maybe he has no desire to ever get married. The only way to know that you aren’t wasting time is to have a “real” conversation with him. Relationships include some hard work and are going to also include many difficult conversations. Consider it practice for marriage. If he can’t handle this conversation, maybe that provides you with some quality insight about how communication will be in your marriage. Best case scenario, he opens up and talks to you about his thoughts regarding the future of the relationship, and you guys move on to the next step. You need to ask yourself; “How much time am I willing to give to someone that might not be in this for the long haul?”. It is my experience that men prefer for women not to give hints. Just approach the topic in a “direct” way and not a “pushy” way.

-My in-laws frequently compare my children to my niece and nephew. How can I talk to them and let them know that my children recognize that they are being treated differently than their cousins?

Take a step back and evaluate whether you are being overly sensitive to the situation. If your nieces and nephews are the children of your husband’s sister, the relationship might be different, due to your in-laws relationship with their daughter. Daughter’s tend to spend more time with their parents. Think about the time those children are spending with your in-laws versus the time your children spend with them. If your children are actually expressing that they are affected by this difference in treatment, you should consider talking to your husband about it first. In most cases, I would recommend that the actual child of the in-laws be the one to address something this sensitive, due to the potential for them to become defensive, hurt, or shocked by the allegations. Hopefully, he will see the need for the children’s feelings to be addressed. If he does not, you might consider a nice lunch with your in-laws, and let them know of your concerns in a gentle manner and tone. They may not realize they are showing a difference, and jumping to assumptions can create an uncomfortable situation in the family that might be unnecessary. Remember, they continue to be your in-laws even when this discussion is over. You want to continue to have a good relationship with them for the sake of all of those birthdays and holidays you will still share.

-My daughter is dating a great guy and my husband and I really like him, but he has had some financial difficulties in the past. Should we offer to loan him some money so he can be on a better financial footing? We think they will get married eventually.

NO!!! Financial stability is something he should figure out for himself before they get married and have a family. Loaning him the money now might set up a pattern of dependency, and a lack of self-reliance in solving his own problems is not something you will want for your daughter’s future. It might make him feel obligated to stay in the relationship. He also could be offended by the perception of a “hand-out.” Establishing a pattern of healthy family boundaries is really important for couples and, especially, new marriages. A better option might be to offer to assist them with a budget, or give them the gift of a session or a package of sessions with a financial advisor.

If you’d like to ask an anonymous question to Dr. Misty, please email it to:
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Writer, Speaker, Radio & Television Contributor, Dr. Misty Smith is the Founder and Managing Director of the Birmingham, Alabama based Mind, Body & Heart Wellness Clinic. She is an ASSECT Nationally recognized Certified Sex Therapist (CST), as well as a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) of more than 15 years, who focuses on assisting individuals and couples to achieve their optimal emotional, relational, and sexual health through a results oriented counseling process tailored to the needs of the individual or couple. In addition to being ASSECT Certified, Dr. Misty has a PhD in Counselor Education from Mississippi State University and her EdS in Counseling from the University of Alabama. She can be reached by email at mistysmithphd@mbhwellnessclinic.com or mbhwellnessclinic.com.

The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, or legal advice. If you have specific concerns or situations requiring professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately qualified individual. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat, diagnose, or replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from another licensed professional. This column, its author, and the publisher are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation addressed. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions.